Guns, Cars, and the State of Georgia

Liquid Assets in the state of Georgia

Bonds

Stocks

CDs

Guns

No, this isn’t one of those SAT or IQ test questions where you are asked to pick the one that doesn’t belong.  A gun is actually a liquid asset in Georgia. 

This would be a SAT or IQ test question in the state of Georgia. 

Bonds

Stocks

CDs

Cars

Cars are definitely not a liquid asset in Georgia.

Let me explain.

When my brother and I sold our parent’s home in Georgia, we had to do two things before turning the house over to the buyer: get rid of the car in the garage and the guns in the house.  So my brother and I made the 650 mile drive down the freeway, me driving and both of us eating potato chips and Rancho flavored Doritos.

In the garage sat my dad’s 1989 Buick Electra, a total of 32,000 miles on it.  My dad getting on in years, and never a good driver, parked it there 10 years ago where it sat till this day.  It had sat there for so long, it had settled with the house.  The tires were flat, the gasoline in the tank was 10-years old, and the battery defied every charger we tried.

And we couldn’t find the title.  

Still, how much of a problem can this be?  People sell or otherwise get rid of clunkers everyday.  Charities always take clunkers.  All we need to do is find the title or take the death certificate down to the DMV and get a new one.  

Right?  What could go wrong?

Somewhere in a 3,700 sq. ft. house withering under the weight of years of collected junk resides one title for a 1989 Buick Electra with 32,000 miles on it, but we can't find it.  It might as well be buried at sea.  So down to the Georgia Department of Motor Vehicle (DMV) we drive with death certificate in hand.  

There are no parking spaces at the DMV.  It’s early voting season, and people in Georgia vote at the DMV.  The line is long, very long, and everyone came in their own car.  We circle the parking lot in a holding pattern waiting for an empty terminal to taxi into.  A half hour later we swoop in and nab a space and enter the DMV.  Hallways are clogged with people, but they are all here to vote.   Not a single customer is in the Title and Tags Department, so we walk right up to a clerk, hand her the death certificate, and request a title in my name.  

Clerk: No problem.  I need your driver’s license.

I hand her my Maryland driver’s license, and my brother hands her his New York driver’s License.

Clerk:  Oh, you’re both from out of state?

Brother:  Is that a problem?

Clerk: No, but we will need proof of out of state residence.

Me:  Well, you have our driver’s licenses.  Our addresses are on it.

Clerk:  Sorry, but that’s not good enough.  We need additional proof.

There was a time not too long ago when you needed a certified copy of your birth certificate to get a driver’s license.  Now it’s insufficient proof you live where it says you live.

The clerk whips out a pre-printed form of acceptable documents and places check marks next to the ones that will serve as proof of out of state residence.  Documents like Income Tax Receipts, what ever they are.  I have been filing tax returns for a very long time, and I don't recall ever receiving a receipt for one.  You just pray and hope it didn't get lost in the mail.

Me: We have none of these documents with us and we are from out of town.  They are in Maryland and New York.  

Clerk:  Yeah.  This is Georgia.  Next!

Back at the house our realtor calls, and my brother suggests we take her down to DMV and put the title in her name.  She lives in Georgia.  She agrees to try it, and while we wait for her to arrive my brother finds one of the guns hidden in his bedroom.  It’s 38 magnum long barrel revolver — beautiful.  We drive to the gun store, find a space right away — no voting at a gun store — walk up to the counter, and talk to the clerk who is the store owner.

Brother:  How much will you give me for this?

Gunstore Owner: 500 dollars.

Brother: Deal.

Me:  Wait! Don’t you need proof he owns the gun?

Owner:  Nope.  This is Georgia.  In Georgia you don’t have to register a handgun, nor do you have to prove ownership.  Here, possession is 100% of the law.  Just bring it in and we’ll give you cash.

Brother:  Yeah, this is Georgia.

With 500 more dollars than we had before, we head back to our house, stuff our realtor into the backseat, and skedaddle back to the DMV where the voting line is now further down the block and parking takes even longer.  We enter into another holding pattern circling the parking lot.  56 minutes later we park and enter the Tags and Title Department, which is once again devoid of customers.  We sit down, and I explain what we want to do.

Me:  Since being out of state is such a problem, we want to put the title in our realtor’s name.  See, this is our realtor.  Say hello to our realtor.

Clerk:  Hi.  Are you a relative?

Realtor: No.

Clerk:  Sorry, you must be a relative.  This is Georgia.

Realtor:  We could tow it and abandon it somewhere.

Me: No.  

Desperate Me:  Why won’t you accept a power or gas bill?

Clerk:  We will.

Me: Why aren’t utility bills listed on the document sheet?

Clerk: Shrug.

This is Georgia.

Me:  Hey, all I need is a computer with access to internet.  I can download my latest power bill.

Realtor:  We can do it at my office.

We head back to our house where my brother finds another handgun.  We head back to the gun shop where there are plenty of spaces, and my brother sells this one for 300 dollars.  Again, no questions asked.

This is Georgia.

We print my power bill at my realtor’s office then head back to DMV where the line is still longer.  One hour later we enter a very empty Tags and Title Department with power bill in hand.

Clerk:  Okay, the title will be issued in your name (mine).  You should receive it in the mail in about three weeks.

Eeck!!!  I have to have it removed from garage by Friday.

Realtor:  Not a problem.  I know two guys who will buy the car for 200 dollars and remove it from the garage tomorrow.  You will have to mail the title to them as soon as you receive it.

Me:  Deal.

Next day at the house, while waiting for the buyers, my brother finds yet another gun.  I’m beginning to believe my parants lived in an armed encampment.  Back to the gun shop where he sells this one for 100 dollars.    Perhaps it would have been easier to have bribed the clerk with a gun.  It’s legal.  Giving her the gun, I mean.  But give her a car without title?  Jail time.

The buyers of the car arrive and can’t start the car.  None of their equipment works, so they call AAA.  When AAA arrives the guy uses his super-duper charger, and the car starts right up.  They fill the tires with air, back the car out of the driveway, and drive away.  10-year-old gas, 10-year-old tires, 10-year-old battery, and they drive the car away under its own power.  I could have sold the car for a thousand dollars.

So, in Georgia buy a gun not a car.  In a pinch for money, it’s much easier to sell a gun than a car.

Oh, and my brother found one more gun before we left.